I did it last week. I bet you did too. If you didn't you're sure to find a few minutes to indulge yourself later this week. Go on, you know you want to. You know you need to. Yep, it's that time of year again when we sit down with our hernia-inducing big ol' bumper double festive edition of the Radio Times (other listings magazines are available...but they're all a bit crap frankly, and usually have Stacey Lacey and that red-faced kid off EastEnders on the cover so why would you bother?) with a coloured marker pen and dutifully circle all those TV shows and specials and films and odds and sods we really want, nay need to watch over the festive fortnight. Come on, it's as much of a tradition as Cadbury's creme eggs appearing in the sweet shop by December 4th. But, in the interests of saving you some time as you busy yourself stuffing the tree and wrapping the turkey or whatever it is people do at this time of the year, why not spend a moment or two perusing some of Stuff's own preferred viewing options this Christmas? You know you can trust my impeccable taste - I don't watch any old rubbish after all...
Christmas TV starts this year on December 20th because the Radio Times says so. That's good enough for me. It's a Saturday and I'm out for the evening (more of which later in the month...it'll all end in tears unless it doesn't) but I'll be setting my Virginmedia Digibox thing to record the last episode in the much-improved but still faintly disposable second series of BBC1's fantasy adventure Merlin (also to be reviewed in more depth later this month). If you saw last week's twelfth episode you'll know that Merlin's released the dragon (voiced by John Hurt) which has been lurking for two series beneath Camelot and it don't sound 'appy. Much fire-breathing rampaging is promised. Over on ITV (heretoforth referred as "the sh**** side") there's really naff all on over the whole fortnight; ITV have shot their proverbial ratings bolt with their autumn splurge of horrible talent/reality shows and their cupboards are traditionally bare over Christmas as they don't make much of an effort as there's not much advertising revenue to be had. Saturday promises a 90-minute Take That concert (squee!) and a scintillating cheap old filler entitled Stars on the Street about some famous people who have appeared on Coronation Street. Wow. Over on 5 the morbidly-curious might want to tune into the terrestrial premier of the ill--fated (and now cancelled) remake of Knight Rider. Then again wiser heads might not. Slim pickings generally across what we might lazily call the 'non-terrestrial-channels' (ie not the big five...if I can be as generous as to call the feeble Channel 4 and cheapo 5 'big' in any way) but you really should find time this weekend to catch up with a repeat screening on BBC4 of the last part of Mark Gatiss' Crooked House portmanteau horror from last year and ITV3 are turning the larger part of their weekend schedule to the redoubtable Sherlock Holmes (is there a new movie on the way, by any chance??) which will feature numerous episodes of the classic Granda TV series starring the wonderful Jeremy Brett. ITV don't make 'em like that any more, sadly...
Sunday 20th is where some of the big Christmas guns are wheeled out. Let's get this straight; I don't do 'bonnet' dramas. Yer Persuasions and Emmas and Lark Rises...nope, not for me. But, like most of the country, I was caught up in the spell of Cranford on BBC1 a couple of years ago, five glorious and oddly-subversive hours based on books written by Elizabeth Gaskell. The BBC have done the decent thing and filmed two new ninety-minute episodes, the first of which screens tonight with the second the following Sunday. Over on ITV, in case anyone cares, there's the Christmas specials of long-past-its-sell-by-date quiz Who Wants To be A Millionaire; clapped out it may be but it's a celebrity special and since it features Togmeister Sir Terry Wogan and his (brilliant) upstart Radio 2 breakfast show replacement Chris Evans, it may be worth a look - which is more than can be said for Ad of the Decade which follows on ITV at 8pm which promises/threatens (delete as applicable) to go behind-the-scenes of some of the most popular TV adverts of the last ten years and...oh, I can't be bothered writing any more about such cheap twaddle. A better bet should be The Fattest Man In Britain a new comedy/drama from Caroline (Royle Family) Ahearne and Jeff Pope and starring the ever-reliable Timothy Spall as...well, the fattest man in Britain, presumably. Probably warm-hearted fun but you can't really go wrong with anything written by Ahearne.
December 21st!! Four days to go! What's on the box?? Er...pass. Pretty much your typical Monday night line-up of soaps and more soaps but BBC2 might be worth a look as it's screening a selection of Victoria Wood shows in preparation for her all-new Christmas Eve BBC1 special. Fools may be tempted to watch Nigella's Christmas Kitchen on BBC1 at 7pm or Come Dine With Me Christmas Special on Channel 4 at 8pm but such people aren't welcome here. Be off with you. 5 picks at the bones of Michael Jackson with a probably-sleazy cheap documentary about his last days but a 30th anniversary concert at 10pm might be worth a glance if only to remind us of the supreme talent we lost this year, dammit.
More MJ on Tuesday 22nd as BBC2 screens a Culture Show special at 1.45pm which promises to be rather less salacious than 5's effort the ight before, followed by a 2 hour concert from the star's Dangerous Tour in 1992. Over on BBC1 the frustratingly half-arsed sci-fi/Police drama Paradox fizzles to the end of its first (and, due to poor viewing figures, probably only) series at 9pm (shunted to 10.35pm in Wales) whilst viewers in Wales (including me, ha ha) will watch Ruth Jones's Christmas Cracker somewhere along the line to see what's occuring (geddit?) as the Gavin and Stacey star interviews celebrity chums James Corden, Katherine Jenkins, Michael Ball and Dr Who supremo Russell T Davies. ITV has Coastline Cops and Grimefighters so nothing to see there. Allow me to nudge you in the direction of BBC3 where the second of two unexpected special episodes of my sitcom guilty pleasure Two Pints Of Lager And a Packet of Crisps screens at 10.30pm. I wasn't expecting these new episodes (the first of which is a musical) and there's been no publicity for them so I suspect these will be episodes which will resolve the cliffhangar from series eight and tie up any loose ends for the series generally. It's been fun. Unmissable stuff on BBC4 at 10.30pm as the brilliant, coruscating Charlie Brooker will utterly dismantle the TV of 2009 in a special episode of Screenwipe. Over on BBC2 at 9.30pm there's a second chance to see the Dr Who-themed edition of Never Mind The Buzzcocks hosted by David Tennant and featuring his TV chums Catherine Tate and Bernard Cribbins. Ood have thought it? Eh? Oh, please yourselves...
Slim, of not positively anorexic, pickings on December 23rd. The slightly-unengaging latest series of Spooks rattles to an end on BBC1 at 9pm but like last year's finale of the first series of Survivors which also aired on 23rd December, it's likely to find most of its audience out carousing despite the fact we're promised an explosive end to the season. The very last episode of underachieving-but-funny BBC sitcom Not Going Out arrives on screen at 10.35pm, over a year after it was made, held back because it's a Christmas episode. Not sure why it didn't make the schedule last year but then who am I to question these things, eh?? During the writing of this piece it's been revealed that the BBC have just un-cancelled Not Going Out and a fourth series will be screened next year. Funny old world, TV. Meanwhile, ITV laughs at you and assumes you're an idiot at 9pm by throwing The Nolans In The Mood For Dancing in your face like a cold bucket of rat sick. Cheers. BBC2 offers a TOTP2 (that's Top Of the Pops Two to you) Christmas special which will undoubtedly regurgitate all those old studio performances of the classic tired Christmas pop hits and there's some other comedy stuff across the evening on the channel including the 1200th screening of the 1975 Porridge Christmas Special. Last episode of series one of the superb True Blood over on Channel 4 at 1pm - I've seen it, it's brilliant and it sets us up nicely for the soon-come second series. Full series review coming soon!
Christmas Eve dawns deep and crisp and even and, unless you're some kind of crazy person and have done all your Christmas shopping, you won't be settling down to watch the box until after the shops have shut. If you're well-organised though, enjoy a sip of mulled wine (I had my first taste a few weeks ago, quite the revelation!) and maybe a mince pie or two and put your feet up in front of any one of a number of happy family films dotted around the schedule all day from the first Narnia movie, Shrek 2,South Pacific, Three Men and a Baby (not sure about that one, actually). The good stuff (such as it is) starts after dark and BBC1 get the first strike in with a comedy triple whammy. At 8pm there's an hour-long My Family (if you like that sort of thing) which sees the Harper family still together and celebrating Christmas in 2039 - with hilarious consequences! 9pm sees Victoria Wood's Midlife Crisis; her first Christmas special in nearly ten years and when Victoria's on top form she's brilliant. Here's hoping. There's a QI special at 10pm with David Tennant guesting; he's on a couple more times over Christmas in case you didn't know. Ignore ITV unless you can't resist grainy footage of old men and cats falling over in a You've Been Framed Christmas Special at 7pm and I have reason to believe there'll be a murrrrder in the 100th edition of reliable old Police warhorse Taggart at 9pm.
Christmas Day dawns deep and crisp and even and with a schedule which suggest you need never stray far from Channel 1 (BBc1) all day. As we cool our heels and wait for the first part of the Davbiod Tennant Doctor Who finale at 6pm, there's a welcome chance to see the man himself in his recent guest role in kid's spin-off The Sarah Jane Adventures as BBc1 screens a compialtion repeat of 'The Wedding of Sarah Jane Smith' at 11.15am. The Christmas Day edition of the long-defunct Top of the Pops has lost its cachet since the parent show was killed off and with the execrable Fearne "wow, that was amazing" Cotton and Reggie "I was in Dr Who" Yates still co-presenting, this rundown of reality show chart toppers and incomprehensible r'n'b artists miming their big hits from 2009 doesn't quite have the appeal it might once have had but it's nice to have on in the background while the turkey's being sliced up. Post Queen's Speech the afternoon is, as usual, given over to family movies and this year BBC1 screen the terrestrial premier of Pixar's The Incredibles followed by the third screening of the short Shrek The Halls and over on ITV1 it's Robert Zemeckis' slightly creepy The Polar Express followed by all-singin', all-dancin' penguins in Happy Feet. I'll most likely be snoozin'...
5.30pm sees BBc1 screen a specially-comissioned short animation called The Gruffallo featuring the vocal talents of James Corden and Robbie Coltrane. BBC1's must-see schedule launches into full effect at 6pm with part one of 'The End of Time' starring David Tennant in the first chunk of his farewell adventure. Unmissable, obviously, and surely a candidate for the highest rated show of the holiday...at least until part two screens on New Year's Day. Inevitably both BBC1 and ITV1 feel obliged to bless us hour-long servings of misery in the Big Three soaps and, hilariously, ITV1 honestly think that Vernon "*********" Kay in All-Star Mr and Mrs is acceptable on Chrisatams night. Memo to ITV - it ain't. BBC1 offer us a Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special which will be strictly off-limits as far as Stuff is concerned but there's a comedy triple whammy with a brand new hour-long episode of The Royle Family starring all the usual gang, this time off on their holidays. I can't help thinking the Royles have lost a little bit of their appeal since they started going out and about and away from the couch but this is surely to be a comedy highlight for the season. The penultimate episode of series three of Gavin and Stacey screens at 10pm wityh the multi-talented Catherine Tate delivering Nan's Christmas Special featuring That Man Tennant again in a pastiche of A Christmas Carol. ITV1 offer us a new two-hour Poirot starring David Suchet at 9pm; theres a time and a place for shows like this and Christmas Day isn't it, sadly.
So there we go - the first seven days of Christmas (or soemthing). Enjoy what you do and watch. Join Stuff for a look at the best TV in that dead period between Christmas and the new Year and, of course, January 1st itself. Wonder if there'll be anything interesting on New Year's Day?
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